Who’s the baby now?

There’s something about marriage that turns me into a big steaming puddle of helplessness.

When I was single I enjoyed doing things for myself.

Drain clogged? No problem, let me snake it.

Acquired a piece of do-it-yourself furniture? I did it myself.

My ’91 Saturn won’t start in the middle of winter? Okay, let me just take a wrench and bang on some stuff. Problem solved (sometimes that actually did work).

I didn’t have anyone else to rely on, so naturally, I did what I needed to do when I could do it. Of course there were some things that were beyond my capacity, for which I called the landlord or my dad or a girlfriend to come over and help me, but I always tried to do what I could before asking for help.

Fast forward to today …

“Baaaabe, I can’t open this water jug.” Then I proceed to never open a water jug again and claim that he knows I can’t open it (I can, I just don’t like to).

“Baaaabe, the bowl is too high. I’m too short. Can you get it for me?” Nevermind that when we first moved into our other house I bought a step specifically for that purpose. It was too far away, I guess.

On the phone while he’s in Bungoma and I’m home, “Baaaabe, the knob on the propane tank is stuck. I’m just not going to cook until you come back home, okay?”

I think a small part of my husband at one point enjoyed that Miss Independent was finally becoming a little dependent… in the beginning,  but nowadays even Ray is getting to the point where he asks, “How did you survive when you lived by yourself? I thought you were more independent than this.”

Apparently it’s some kind of phenomenon that happens with women that get used to being around their husbands 24/7. He’s always there to do stuff for you, so you become reliant on that fact… a little too reliant.

Time to make a change

Ray is one of the most accommodating people I know, sometimes to a fault. I used to claim that one reason I was so good for him was because I would jealously guard his time if I felt like people were taking advantage of him. He has such a good heart he’ll help anyone and then wonder why he’s so emotionally drained later. And now look who’s taking advantage. This is bad news bears.

So now I’m declaring independence, well a balance of dependence and independence. I know what happens when I try to be too independent (amoebiasis flashbacks, anyone?), so I’m not aiming for that, but dag. I really do need to find myself a pair of big girl pants and run my pacifier through a paper shredder, ‘cuz a Proverbs 31 woman I ain’t.

If any of you have some helpful tips/advice here, I’m all ears!

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6 Replies to “Who’s the baby now?”

  1. Nicky Inskeep

    Wow Sam! I heard a little of myself in that post…though I am still too independent for Jason sometimes. When I am sick though…ooofty. I cringe at how whiney and dependent I am. Jason and I have been on quite a journey over the last year or so, really since we left Salina. Starting over again was hard this time, and admittedly I had a little bit of a significant emotional event…it was hard for ME to start over again. We have learned over the last year to communicate with love, and I think pray for communication and understanding. To be specific with requests, to not assume we know. Not that that helps you not ask for opening of a water jug, but it was important to me to hear from Jason what he wanted to help me with, and a lot of those things were things I assumed he would want no part of. And if I asked him to do something that he was not comfortable with, or he felt was taking advantage (ie, dropping KJ off at school because I didn’t want to go out in the cold:), he would tell me. And we agreed to do it in love, not irritation. We have been married for 12 years, and sometimes I feel like it has been no time…mostly because we are still learning so much about each other. The honeymoon is over, and this is reality, and if we aren’t upfront and clear with our words, not afraid to ask questions we will always be frustrated. I think that is what we have learned.

    On a different note…I love reading your blog. I miss our conversations after school!

    Reply
    • Sambrosia Wasike Post author

      Okay, first of all I loved reading this comment, Nicky. Thank you for responding. It’s really cool to hear how friends who have been married much longer than myself share similar stories. I’m learning so much.

      Secondly, thank you for the advice. You had some really good points, like actually asking Ray what he’s comfortable with doing (don’t know why I didn’t think of that, lol). I think we’ll definitely have to sit down and talk about that. Good stuff!

      I miss our conversations too. Those are some of the moments I find myself missing about being a teacher. Hope all is going well!

      Reply
  2. Darcy Brockhouse

    We are going on 37 years and I am still doing all that ” Sweetie my cup is empty. Can you fill it up for me?” routine. I don’t think you have to stop but maybe instead you could return the favor with a song inspired by Ray or something else he would be honored with or appreciate from you. Keep in mind too that you all want to have babies and you both will need each other to get through teething ,diaper changes, boo-boos and lack of sleep to name a few. Enjoy each other but try not to take advantage of each other. In some areas you will give more and in others he will but it all works out over time. Love you Sambrosia!! I am looking forward to your next sweet note. Take care and always be blessed.

    Reply
    • Sambrosia Wasike Post author

      You know me so well, Darcy, or maybe you just get Ray’s love language. lol

      He’s asked me since we’ve been married to write a song about him. I did for our last anniversary, but I haven’t done much with it and he sometimes asks if I have it in my heart to write anymore. His love language is words of affirmation, so I know he’d love that. Great idea.

      And thanks for reminding us of the balance. We talk regularly about how we plan to handle kids. Culturally men don’t do much with babies here, but of course Ray is more of an AmeriKenyan than a Kenyan so he wants to help. It’ll just be a process figuring out what that looks like.

      Please pass my love to the family. Had a dream about ML the other night, nothing big, just ran into him at the grocery store. Miss you guys a ton.

      Reply
      • Darcy Brockhouse

        S’ambrosia I am not familiar with the process of song writing but here is another idea that may be as special for Ray but would take less time. Write out a list of everything that you can think of that you admire, respect, cherish and so on about Ray. Maybe you could write it out all fancy and frame it and put it in your bedroom for him to come home to one evening. For a friend I bought a very pretty pink dish with a lid and wrote down on small pieces of paper all of her strengths and folded them and put them in the dish. I told her to take out one a day until she ran out of them. I think I came up with about a months worth of her strengths. It really is fun to come up with ways to bless the people you love and it helps you to focus and direct your energy and love in a positive direction too!

        Reply
        • Sambrosia Wasike Post author

          Only you, Darcy. You are good at stuff like that. I remember all the gifts you made mom that she kept around the house and how spot on you were about who she was as a woman and how encouraged they made my mom when she looked at them. That’s a great idea though and I’ll do my best to do something to that effect. Thanks!

          Reply

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